When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
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British people be like I’m Bri ish
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
no refunds
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet