Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I can fix him.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.