Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?