Me as a therapist: omg same
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“I FIXED IT!”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president