[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
my dad has had enough
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
some things should go without saying
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.