Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Nomnomnomnom
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby