Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.