Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
✌🏽
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.