I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
gm
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now