FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*3.5 thank you very much.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.