My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
*ernest hemingway voice*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Omg 🤣
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.