Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler