me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.