Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!