When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.