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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people