Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.