My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time