Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
How to woo a woman
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.