If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
💻🤡
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days