I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!