Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.