I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You Might Also Like
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.