I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
technically true but not a great slogan
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
How I like cutting carbs
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency