Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber