Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
She puts the hot in psychotic
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Noah was an idiot.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler