Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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Me trying to “trust the process”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you