How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Flock of bats
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.