“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people