The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.