This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
You Might Also Like
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?