Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”