Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
omg leave her alone
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Air conditioning – not a fan
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars