Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.