8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.