It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
this chia pet tastes awful
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Scream sneezers need love too.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float