How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
philosophical skeletons be like
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.