My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.