I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream