For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Just a friendly reminder!
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]