It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The Joker was right
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.