There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
What a chick magnet..
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.