*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Great acting.. 😂
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time