It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.