My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
This hospital has everything
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no