i smell a pulitzer
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.