Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*