I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
it is time once again
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭