FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’