[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.